Is Kindness Or Clarity More Important When Giving Feedback?

The short answer is, they both are.

Specifically, the context here involves giving feedback to someone you are managing or coaching, whether formally or informally. Often we want to soften corrective feedback out of kindness, especially when the person involved is putting forth a genuine effort and has an acceptable attitude. In an effort to soften the blow, we lead off with kindness (which is not a bad idea) but then follow it up with a vague passing reference to the area needing to be addressed. The person who is trying to do a good job walks away either thinking they are doing just that, or with a vague idea that something’s wrong without understanding exactly what (or how to fix it).

I have done this more than few times myself. And I have unfortunately found myself frustrated later because the issue was ongoing or had even deteriorated, all because I was not clear. It was no one’s fault but my own.

Then I began to notice how often people ask simple, direct questions and receive convoluted or verbose answers. I watched myself do it and listened to others do the same. And I found myself wanting to say, “Just answer their question!” If the question is constructed to require a two or three word answer, don’t give them two or three sentences instead. Answer their question directly, then feel free to further explain if you’d like. But when someone reports to you or is being coached by you, the design of that relationship is for you to tell them exactly how they are doing.

By all means, be kind. But also be clear. That is not easy, but your responsibility as a leader is to navigate things that are not easy. When communicating the need for improvement, you don’t have to choose between clarity and kindness (Patterson and others call this a “fool’s choice”). Choose to embrace both, precisely because it is unkind to be unclear.

Whatever you do, don’t sacrifice clarity for the sake of kindness.