The Most Powerful Question You Can Ask
That’s a bold statement, but this question really is that powerful.
Years ago I started the habit of asking it, and have been amazed at the way it consistently catches others off guard. There are strange looks and confused pauses, often followed by a delighted smile.
The subtle question is simply this: "What can I do for you?"
This question is surprisingly unexpected, even when the other person is your superior. And when they aren’t (i.e. a direct report, or even a friend or relative), the delight they experience when being asked is tangible. In an increasingly fast-paced and self-centered culture, it's a breath of fresh air to offer help to someone when they aren’t expecting it. Sometimes I switch it up and ask, "How can I help you?,” which produces the same effect. Interestingly, the most common response is a simple, “Nothing, but thanks for asking.” But you can often see their stress level reduce, if only for a minute.
If you’re brave enough to try this, there are three things you need to know before you start:
Whenever possible, look them in the eye when you ask it.
This simultaneously communicates both their importance and your sincerity. It's surprising the way this simple offer connects you to them, so make the connection authentic. In a world that is increasingly hectic and fractured, true connections are becoming more rare by the day.
Ask it of those who work FOR you (or your kids).
The question takes on special power when you ask it of someone whose role is normally to help you. It seems counterintuitive, but it's both good leadership and a powerful shot in the arm for your team culture if you model a willingness to serve down the organizational chart as well as up it. And if it’s your kids, it's a great way to show them that helping others is a part of “being in charge.”
Mean it when you ask it.
This one is most important. Don't ask it unless you are sincerely prepared to do what they ask (within reason). If the offer is empty or insincere, it will do more harm than not asking at all. Be willing to do things that may seem “beneath” you, and only agree to do things that are helpful, not harmful or enabling. In fact, perhaps the real power behind this habit is that you become more willing to help others before you even ask the question.
As an experiment, ask this question of the next three people you talk to. You’ll find that it makes it a better day, for you and for them.
